A Year Of Schism, Back For More

I'm back.
Back from New Mexico, back from New York, back from the New World. I travelled there for the purpose of asking one and only question and while doing so, I found myself stepping into another person's soundtrack and managing to fuse the music with my cinematics.

When I returned, I knew exactly what I want to do, both in my personal and professional life. In fact, it was so clear, it almost felt as if I was coming back from a stolen foresight of what I want to see myself being and doing.

.............

A year of blogging has passed. Coincidentally, it concurred with the end of an era for me. This new year isn't really new. I, however, am.

Having decisively realised what matters, not only means that I now know what really has no value for me at all, but that everything in my life needs to be reorganised so that priorities will be redistributed, former goals replaced or redefined and past cravings erased. My willpower is focused on bringing to life an explicit model of myself.

This was originally conceived as an academic, professional and financial timetable for the next two years to come, but ever since I returned, I realised that I have subconsciously adopted behaviours which I then turned into my "New Year's resolutions".

The zodiac signs have changed, we are closer to 2012, I actually like 2 Ke$ha songs, but the most groundbreaking thing of them all is that I ...quit smoking ....(!)

One day, I just stopped (in fact there's a half-full pack lying around since that early January day) and have never even thought about smoking again. The time and energy spent on smoking would have to be replaced by some equally b-role activity and since I dodged the nicotine bullet, I thought I should avoid the aspartame one as well. So, I started drinking water in whatever brain pause would be previously accompanied by a cigarette. The result was that I probably am the only person who quit smoking and lost weight. Noticing this, I started taking steps to make sure I would have a sculpted thin-ner body, as opposed to just becoming skinny. Since I was already thin and regularly worked out, the only thing I really had to do was keep up with it and be careful with my diet. At 174 cm / 5.7 feet, I now weigh 48 kg / 106 pounds.

That was all nice and shit, but to fully prove the point of change, one last unexplored territory remained. For years now, I've had and been identified with black, thick, waist long hair. Well, go pick it up the floor now! I got a new haircut, hairstyle and hair colour and I am very pleased with the way it turned out (as far as this particular change is concerned, I will continue working on it for a couple more months, till I get to the ULTIMATE hairstyle for me).

Conscious changes include a 90° turn in social affairs. Still having never done drugs and being extremely against personal experimentations of the kind (key word "personal" -I don't give a shit about what you 're doing to yourself), I am going to very-much-on-purpose sabotage any new, substance-using acquaintances for example.

..Yup, I DO think I'm better than you, I WOULD scoff in your face, we CAN'T all be friends, bite my ass and go pop a pill to deal with the pain.

If the junkie in question is female, I'll probably look down on her 50% more. Apart from being a bag of bones -sticking out in a sickly fashion- with three hair on her head and gollum eyes, this abomination will eventually give birth to a kid. Hopefully, she won't be too high to miss the fact that she became a mother.

To be honest, this naziness of mine is not newly founded. I have always looked down on drug users, but kept that part to myself. In retrospect, I wonder why.

So far, upon stating I do not do drugs, people never offered me stuff a second time, which I perceived as a sign of basic intelligence. Much to my surprise, the only person who glorified drugs to me and tried to offer me some, is someone who knew I don't use. As I said, I was too surprised by my misjudgement of character to react. From now on, anyone who tries to persuade me that drugs are the shit and offers to me while knowing I don't use, will be punched in the face. Period.

Anyway, this is a clear, frank and sharp "fuck off". Trying to justify behaviourisms I would never adopt (and ,in the pre-mentioned case, find disgusting), is something I really want to change about myself. Fuck "experimental open-mindedness", fuck equality and above of all fuck self-induced weaknesses, when it comes to this.

..............

Of course, the most serious and consciously planned changes are the ones regarding the career and relationship aspect of my life. As far as those are concerned, should I continue to feel the same way, I will be leaving everything I know behind, to start a new chapter, in a foreign environment, by the end of 2012.

....As for what exactly took place in America, I guess this will be revealed later on, and ,most certainly, after I stop being tortured by exams, once more. T.T

<- new hair!

A Year Of Schism, Back For More by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Greece License. All PHOTOS are mine and are NOT TO BE USED WITHOUT PERMISSION.

Demon Inside Crying

Falling from grace requires you to have been in a state of grace in the first place. Falling from grace and entering what I wonder. Grace is the quality of refinement. So, if you lose the fineness, the beauty, the excellence ... what have you become?
Something dirty? Something impure? The other one. Always the other one. Not the one who is your friend, your son or daughter, your loved one. The other one. The neighbour perhaps. Why do people like kids? Not everyone finds babies cute, but apparently everyone finds baby animals cute. Why is any life form considered cute when it's young anyway? Because when you're a small shit no one expects anything from you other than to eat, be excited, run around, get dirty and break things. Well, newsflash motherfuckers: I still like to eat, get excited, run around, get dirty and break things. Only now, it is unnatural. It's unnatural because now I'm supposed to only be excited about the things others want, run only after what / whom others think I ought to, not get dirty * cough sexual activities * and not break anything * cough law abiding citizen *. I have respect for other people's well-being and by no means am promoting a kill, maim, rape and pillage the village attitude. I'm not a fan of Chaos. BUT. I'm a fan of my own, private and personal chaos . It's so easy promoting shit like carpe diem -seize the day-, "there's no you can't, only a you don't want to" etc. and whining about "young people not being the way we were back in the good ol 'days". What? WHAT? You don't expect us to seize the day. You expect us to seize your dick and suck it. All this you-can-be-anything-you-want-to is BullShit. Sure, you can be anything you like son, but it's gonna be better if what you like is what I approve of. And actually, if it comes to the point where what you like is not what is generally approved of, that means I have failed as a parent, you have disappointed everyone and you will fail in life. Fallen from grace.
This isn't about parents. Parents aren't supposed to understand; What was right back in their days of glory is probably a bit outdated now anyway. This is about becoming an insecure, fucked up individual or lobotomizing yourself either by giving in or by giving up with the aid of psychotropic substances and forgetting all about what you really pursued. If someone is making you disappointed at yourself, that's "helping" you self-destruct and not motivating you to become better from my perspective. I have known so many people doing drugs or becoming drunk stupid on a regular basis that witnessing such situations seems kinda ludicrous now. Since I am not like mommy Society, I am not disappointed due to their "potential for success being shattered". There's no such thing as potential. The greatest retard can succeed if they pull their shit together and do a few basic things right. What I am disappointed about is that no one seems to realise that destroying your life is not a decision. It's not an action. It is a REaction. People DO kill, maim, rape and pillage. Only it is themselves they are doing it to. If it was an actual choice, I would be a supporter of that lifestyle. Hell, I'd even join all relevant facebook groups there would be for that. All the drug and alkohol appreciation societies. I'd throw a party everytime someone died of an overdose. Destroyed kidneys would be as glorious as battle wounds. Sadly this isn't the case. In a few words, what bothers me is that we are not being fed with the tools to make our dreams come true. We are being force fed with drugs and mind-numbing methods so that we can all fit in ~ The Bigger Plan ~. The ones who press the self-destruction button in a more definite way than the rest of us, do this because of all the seize-the-day hypocrites. This IS a law of the jungle society and YOU ARE KILLING us the moment you start suspecting we don't exactly share the same ideas with you. Drug cartels and dealers are not killers. The ones who make people end up doing drugs are killers. It's not about telling you what you can't do. It's about telling you what you have to want to do.
FUCK THIS. I 've never taken any -ahem- illegal substances and I don't drink pathologically. Actually, I have little patience with those who do. I understand why they are doing it and respect the fact that at the end of the day everyone has the right to live the way they like, but I also have the right to consider them weak and not want weak people near me. When it comes to being bullied by *external factors, I choose not to give in. I choose to throw shit back where it came from and not at myself . I'm not going to make myself a vessel for what is appropriate OR inappropriate according to the regular standards. I am going to make myself the PART of society that backfired and either changed or destroyed something and created something else. That's what's hardcore. Not drinking till you throw up cause Life dumped you. If life is a whore, I'll pay her to amuse ME. And any fucker who tells me what I should be has it coming. I am only seizing the day after all ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBXiKxxzG50

* Emphasis put on "external" -anyone who has read previous posts knows I AM in fact self-destructive when it comes to inner mumbo jumbo emotional knots.

A reader's feedback on this post included the following question: "Who's more retarded -a kid with down syndrome or the person judging them?" My answer is: both are; I represent the third party in this situation-> The kid's retarded, it's not his / her fault, but I don't want retarded friends cause cruel as it is, such dynamics just CAN'T work for neither one of us. Person judging is retarded, but this is different cause they are being retarded by choice and based on the belief that they are soo much better . That's the kind of person that deserves getting fucked up cause they have it coming. That's the hypocrites who run this world. That's what bullying is. Judging drug addicts not because you understand what they have gone through, but because you will sleep better at night knowing that you are above those "society's parasites". I have empathy towards those "parasites" and that's why I don't have any sympathy towards the ones who judge the "retarded kid". And yes, maybe those with self-inflicted troubles -and all of society's les miserables generally speaking- shouldn't have let themselves be influenced in the first place. But then again, some others shouldn't have been pricks to them.


Demon Inside Crying by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Greece License.