Seems like a good day to GO KICK ASS!

18 July 2010

Oh. And Then I Killed The Neighbour -DoSu'10*

(DoSu'10*-> check previous posts)

Two days away from the alleged meeting with that american-douchebag-I'm-doomed-to-spend-three-weeks-with, suppose we're both retarded enough to show up, I think it's time we paused and examined how things started; which the big bang that caused all these ideas of international travelling with the innumerable probabilities and possibilities that follow it, was.
Well, I guess the big bang literally was a long series of mini strokes we gave each other during all those months of communication, cause of all of the awful/retarded things we said to each other (which is considered normal and accepted, cause we're awful and retarded). After passing a certain BITCH, IMMA SLAP YOU level, it was decided we have to meet to diss each other in real life. The actual discussion of the idea of the overseas trip on his side, went something like:

♀ -MWAHAHA, I'm gonna spend an uberrad summer making a metal pilgrimage to Germany.
♂ -OH REALLY. Then I'm gonna book flights and visit Europe for the first time. AND GET ME A TICKET FOR THAT METAL THING.
♀ -FINE. You can crash at my place during the weeks prior to that, being the cheap ass you are.
♂ -FINE.
..and that was basically it.
Organising the details of getting to point A and then B and then C etc. and of accomodation were hell of course. However, with the power of metal to guide us and a certain amount of hereditary douchebaggery, nothing was impossible.
Nevertheless, a big bang requires some speciffic conditions in order to happen: huge temperatures, pressures and densities + elementary shit floating around.
The huge temperatures and pressures might have been caused by the ongoing ping pong assholeness ball that went back and forth across the Atlantic, but the collisions, annihilations and finally the synthesis, were enabled because of dark matter. And there is no other darker for the brain productivity matter than ...FACEBOOK.
Yes, yes it all began via facebook. At this point I simply know one ends up doing (and actually enjoying) the exact things he/she used to laugh at, so I won't even comment on how ~useful~ and ~culture advancing~ I think that site is (or the mere retardation of me spending time on it despite that). I will comment on something else though. According to the official statistics, Fb now has more than 400 million active users. To most people that creates an imagery of tiny, ant-sized crowds of humans seen from high above. My brain is wired in a slightly different modus though, so it processes data in other be-a-uuutiful ways. ~>
400 million people... Apart from the obvious= boring old farts who actually use it the way it is supposed to be used, almost all of the rest who are in a constant who-has-the-most-imaginary-friends-added competition and the sexual predators who are trying to network with potential victims, there's something else I wonder why no one has thought of...
400 million people... How unlikely is it for a serial killer to be among those? In fact, how unlikely is it for a bunch of serial killers to be among those? And while you're at it, add a few cannibals and necrophiliacs as well. For all you know, I might hit the jackpot and be waiting for a rapey werewolf cannibal at the airport in 2 days. Then again... for all you know I may be a serial killer with a pimp-my-torture-room basement.
That being said, I think the scenario of a serial killer waiting to pick up a cannibal is kinda awesome. In fact, the cannibal and serial killer friends of both parties should start placing bets on who survives this ASAP. Everyone kinda expects this vacation to turn into a romantic flick (apart from us who are actually looking forward to a b-movie adventure with shitty dialogues and acting), but, after all, it could also be a shitty thriller with cheesy lines and awful lighting. Or we could meet a serial killer-cannibal (we ARE going to Germany after all XD) and have to combine our ~special talents~ to face this new danger.
Personally, the only one I basically trust, especially when it comes to planning, is myself. However, I have faith in that American douchebag and believe he will live up to his word (which is flying his ass 10433km / 6483 mi / 5633 nmi away from that desert of his and getting where I will be waiting, doing my nails and yawning at the vanity of life, in order to fuck up everything, not appreciate European culture and make history -or at least press- with original acts of public misbehaviour).

There's of course the possibility of us getting taught a life lesson or discovering the meaning of life/ love and other words that need shitloads of pages to be explained, but I have faith in our douchebaggery.


Oh. And Then I Killed The Neighbour -DoSu'10* by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Greece License.

04 July 2010

How To Share Your Candy With Strangers (DoSu'10*)

*DoSu'10= Douchebaggery Summer 2010 -see previous post.
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fqncj3G6tg )

The plan when it comes to the July 19th to August 12th adventurous journey is that there is no plan, other than visiting ancient temples and monasteries built on rock pinnacles rising over 400m above vast plains, swimming in a river Pausanias, a Greek traveller and geographer of the 2nd century AD, claimed was the coldest in ancient Greece, diving and exploring beaches of the Corinthian Gulf on a boat, chilling and clubbing in Mediterranean islands, going from Berlin to Hamburg by train, visiting German absinthe bars and attending the biggest metal open air festival in the world. In other words, visiting a bunch of places that are either world heritage or a 20 year old's paradise and discovering how we can change them and how they can change us.
However, once we meet each other, apart from the worst case scenario materialising (which is that we both turn out to be two middle-aged, bald paedophiles), we will have to overcome some practical difficulties; ~Sacred Daily Rituals~ such as stinking up the bathroom or potentially killing the weak/ sick/ each other with our morning death-breath had better not be simultaneous for example. Also, since this league consists of a male and a female we have to make sure the right person remains masculine and the right person remains feminine while engaged in such sex-appeal ending activities.

Survival Guide To Co-existing In A Rinky-Dink Apartment/ Hotel Room
(a retardingly useful, practical and simple Roommate Bible)

(or how to take a dump without stress)

Most people visit the toilet for a(n extreme) number 2 at certain hours of the day/ night. However, that depends on eating habits so it's difficult during travelling.
While at the same house with others, people usually do things like leaving the water to run in order to spare others the sound effects. In my opinion, that's mildly retarded because just the fact that the rest can hear water running for a long time probably means they realise you're doing something unsexy. Plus, it's not environmentally friendly. XD
Instead, I propose a code-phrase such as "I'm out of cigarettes. Can you go buy me some?" (which will most probably be true, so we kill two birds with one stone).
Upon hearing this, the other person must rush to the toilet and do whatever they need to do fast (if they absolutely have to do something) and then get the hell out and go buy whatever it is we have a lack of (cigarettes/ alcohol/ chewing gums/ a watermelon etc.)
Of course, once all parties get used to this system, the person who needs to use the W.C. can just scream "POOOOO!" and shamelessly run to the toilet -in which case the other one automatically goes out for supplies.

~Killing Puppies By Saying Good Morning~

The morning death-breath is another very serious issue. Unless one eats roses while sleeping, people normally do not have an eau de toilette breath when they wake up. For the short period until using modern tricks like ~mouthwash~ or plainly eating breakfast, I propose keeping a safety arm's length distance (just to be sure). Of course everyone knows girls neither fart nor generally speaking smell bad, at all times and occasions, so I'm beyond suspicion.

~Transformation Of The Caveman~

If the person with whom we'll be roommates doesn't choose a hobo-facial-hair fashion, he'll have to shave daily. Since guys are prone to fucking up when it comes to boring matters that need a little patience, that time of the day must be respected. So, it's up to me to not distract him by throwing unused tampons at him or doing any of the other cute and feminine things I do cause I'm normal like that.

~Get Your Own, Beotch!~

  • If I'm mucho hungry and you're eating something interesting (but only if I'm sure you have less STD's than me) I might take a huge bite when you're not looking. Generally speaking everyone's expected to eat their own shit though or share if they feel particularly christian that day. To make sure etiquette is followed, you can ask the other person if they would like some (but if you don't really want to share, give them a death look and keep your food out of reach).
  • Toothbrushes and razors are not to be shared
  • (but feel free to knock yourself out with my toothpaste).
  • Guests are expected to bring their own dildos.
  • You don't have to ask when it comes to using my stuff or raiding my fridge (but it'd be nice if you didn't wear my underwear -possibly on your head too).

    ~The Hot & Steamy Bedroom~
    (where 50% of this league is expected to snore and the other 50% to drool)

  1. We fall asleep whenever we fall asleep and wake up whenever we wake up -no stress. However, when we fall asleep, there must be peace. Surprise butt-sex or waking up in the middle of the night and starting to karaoke sing are violations of the rule and will be punished with surprise butt-sex or karaoke singing from my side too.
  2. If, however, you wake me up because you woke up and managed to locate every piece of furniture with your shins, no grudge will be held against you.

  3. Depending on the % of win you are made of, you might be admitted to the Pillow Fight Club. Be that as it may, the first two rules are "you do not talk about the Pillow Fight Club", so people will never learn how this went.

  4. Since we both wear contact lenses (and are therefore slightly blind without them), if we have to spot the other person in the dark, Marco Polo tagging is proposed (or good ol' ass groping "by accident").
  5. Finally, if we actually DO have to wake up at a certain hour (in order to check out/ catch a flight etc.) and one person is slowing down the process by not properly waking up, torture is allowed.


On a more serious note now...

Living and travelling with someone is not about being uncomfortable and fake, but loose and flexible. Hell, anything that's supposed to make you feel loose and comfortable requires dealing it in a "loose" and "comfy" way.

How To Share Your Candy With Strangers (DoSu'10*) by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Greece License.

02 July 2010

Recipe For Douchebaggery -summer 2010*

*in less than 20 days, a 20 day journey to various european countries is going to begin. At times we will be joined by others. Most of the time though, it will just be two persons who live in parts of the world that have a nine hour difference, have never met before and got to know each other online almost a year and a half ago.

  • 2 douchebags who live in different continents (and have never met)

  • 20 days

  • a bunch of european mountains, islands and the world's biggest metal open air festival


Throw the douchebags -obviously young and of opposite sex so that faggotry will at least be avoided, unlike douchebaggery and fuckery- in a pot (AKA internet), stir with webcams and other disasterous means of communication that would be so much more fun if they went KABOOM 10 seconds after they were opened and let them boil for a year and a half.

The result should be an abominable amalgam of different cultures, philosophies, enotional quotients, moral codes and other shit that is likely to explode and therefore be served BURNED.

Eat fastly in a 20 day period. If you're lucky, only gas is to be expected.


Reasons why this could fail (and you could end up having terrible food poisoning)->
Any ordinary person would point out that cooking this is not a very good idea: the ingredients may not be compatible after all, the taste might be anything from spicey to sour and the risk of anything and everything going wrong during the 20 day period of eating the amalgam is high. There's no safety guarantee about eating the douchbaggery -summer 2010.

Reasons why this could actually taste good->
"Any ordinary person"... is bound to live an ordinary life. Fuck that shit. Whoever opposes to this, basically opposes to the idea of two strangers coexisting and co-travelling -not to the idea of the travelling itself. In fact, the kind of travelling we are about to do could be easily envied. Well, before pointing out the obvious (that one or both of us, is going to end up dead/broke/with missing vital organs), these people who ~do~ "know" us, should ask themselves one simple question.

why aren't I part of this?

Other than the fact that YOU are probably too lame, lazy or broke to be a part of this international league, not much can be explained about why it had to be us two in particular.

Perhaps we base all this on more than intuition and blind faith. Perhaps we actually know what the shit we are doing. Perhaps all this is going to fail. But the one thing that is for sure, is that we are both tired of people who only dare dream and do not have the balls to travel, be open to experiences, fully emerge in a totally different world and come out of it having learned more about themselves than about external stimuli.

Either way, blogging will take place and photos will be uploaded during this whole trip. More details are to follow.

Be prepared. And be jealous if that's all you can do about your life being boring as hell.

Recipe For Douchebaggery -summer 2010* by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.