Seems like a good day to GO KICK ASS!

04 July 2010

How To Share Your Candy With Strangers (DoSu'10*)

*DoSu'10= Douchebaggery Summer 2010 -see previous post.
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fqncj3G6tg )

The plan when it comes to the July 19th to August 12th adventurous journey is that there is no plan, other than visiting ancient temples and monasteries built on rock pinnacles rising over 400m above vast plains, swimming in a river Pausanias, a Greek traveller and geographer of the 2nd century AD, claimed was the coldest in ancient Greece, diving and exploring beaches of the Corinthian Gulf on a boat, chilling and clubbing in Mediterranean islands, going from Berlin to Hamburg by train, visiting German absinthe bars and attending the biggest metal open air festival in the world. In other words, visiting a bunch of places that are either world heritage or a 20 year old's paradise and discovering how we can change them and how they can change us.
However, once we meet each other, apart from the worst case scenario materialising (which is that we both turn out to be two middle-aged, bald paedophiles), we will have to overcome some practical difficulties; ~Sacred Daily Rituals~ such as stinking up the bathroom or potentially killing the weak/ sick/ each other with our morning death-breath had better not be simultaneous for example. Also, since this league consists of a male and a female we have to make sure the right person remains masculine and the right person remains feminine while engaged in such sex-appeal ending activities.

Survival Guide To Co-existing In A Rinky-Dink Apartment/ Hotel Room
(a retardingly useful, practical and simple Roommate Bible)

(or how to take a dump without stress)

Most people visit the toilet for a(n extreme) number 2 at certain hours of the day/ night. However, that depends on eating habits so it's difficult during travelling.
While at the same house with others, people usually do things like leaving the water to run in order to spare others the sound effects. In my opinion, that's mildly retarded because just the fact that the rest can hear water running for a long time probably means they realise you're doing something unsexy. Plus, it's not environmentally friendly. XD
Instead, I propose a code-phrase such as "I'm out of cigarettes. Can you go buy me some?" (which will most probably be true, so we kill two birds with one stone).
Upon hearing this, the other person must rush to the toilet and do whatever they need to do fast (if they absolutely have to do something) and then get the hell out and go buy whatever it is we have a lack of (cigarettes/ alcohol/ chewing gums/ a watermelon etc.)
Of course, once all parties get used to this system, the person who needs to use the W.C. can just scream "POOOOO!" and shamelessly run to the toilet -in which case the other one automatically goes out for supplies.

~Killing Puppies By Saying Good Morning~

The morning death-breath is another very serious issue. Unless one eats roses while sleeping, people normally do not have an eau de toilette breath when they wake up. For the short period until using modern tricks like ~mouthwash~ or plainly eating breakfast, I propose keeping a safety arm's length distance (just to be sure). Of course everyone knows girls neither fart nor generally speaking smell bad, at all times and occasions, so I'm beyond suspicion.

~Transformation Of The Caveman~

If the person with whom we'll be roommates doesn't choose a hobo-facial-hair fashion, he'll have to shave daily. Since guys are prone to fucking up when it comes to boring matters that need a little patience, that time of the day must be respected. So, it's up to me to not distract him by throwing unused tampons at him or doing any of the other cute and feminine things I do cause I'm normal like that.

~Get Your Own, Beotch!~

  • If I'm mucho hungry and you're eating something interesting (but only if I'm sure you have less STD's than me) I might take a huge bite when you're not looking. Generally speaking everyone's expected to eat their own shit though or share if they feel particularly christian that day. To make sure etiquette is followed, you can ask the other person if they would like some (but if you don't really want to share, give them a death look and keep your food out of reach).
  • Toothbrushes and razors are not to be shared
  • (but feel free to knock yourself out with my toothpaste).
  • Guests are expected to bring their own dildos.
  • You don't have to ask when it comes to using my stuff or raiding my fridge (but it'd be nice if you didn't wear my underwear -possibly on your head too).

    ~The Hot & Steamy Bedroom~
    (where 50% of this league is expected to snore and the other 50% to drool)

  1. We fall asleep whenever we fall asleep and wake up whenever we wake up -no stress. However, when we fall asleep, there must be peace. Surprise butt-sex or waking up in the middle of the night and starting to karaoke sing are violations of the rule and will be punished with surprise butt-sex or karaoke singing from my side too.
  2. If, however, you wake me up because you woke up and managed to locate every piece of furniture with your shins, no grudge will be held against you.

  3. Depending on the % of win you are made of, you might be admitted to the Pillow Fight Club. Be that as it may, the first two rules are "you do not talk about the Pillow Fight Club", so people will never learn how this went.

  4. Since we both wear contact lenses (and are therefore slightly blind without them), if we have to spot the other person in the dark, Marco Polo tagging is proposed (or good ol' ass groping "by accident").
  5. Finally, if we actually DO have to wake up at a certain hour (in order to check out/ catch a flight etc.) and one person is slowing down the process by not properly waking up, torture is allowed.


On a more serious note now...

Living and travelling with someone is not about being uncomfortable and fake, but loose and flexible. Hell, anything that's supposed to make you feel loose and comfortable requires dealing it in a "loose" and "comfy" way.

How To Share Your Candy With Strangers (DoSu'10*) by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Greece License.

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