Self ambivalence. A fancy word no doubt. It means cultivating extremely conflicting feelings towards oneself. Basically, it means being so self-centered that you're your main reference to both cool and [insert stereotype] the opposite of cool.
I'm a cutter, a kicker and a smoker and hell, I don't even smoke anymore. that much.
There are many ways to play the game -what you personally consider important enough to be worth the trouble of trying to excel at- and of course there are even more ways to miss the point and start going downhill. In regards to my pretty knife, I don't see why anyone would relate to doodling with sharp objects and using a palette of various shades of red and themselves as a drawing surface. I do believe though, that people can relate to reaching a point where shit hits the fan with such incredible might that no matter what they do the situation is what it is and it can't be changed, which makes it THE WORST THING EVER (till the next shitstorm hits). After passing the initial stages of shock, denial, anger and depression, there comes the time you simply have to accept whatever unbelievable bullshit happened. That's the most problematic stage for me. Anger? I can excel at that. Depression? I am totally fantastic in it. But accepting the fact that I have absolutely no power over something that IS a part of MY life after all, just doesn't take place in the right hemisphere of my brain which ,in most cases, specializes in receiving and analysing information from the outside world. Once you decide that what goes on everyday is an euphemism for life, that people look like bad actors and that if Santa was real he would probably carry around a big bag of dicks to give to everyone, self-mutilation seems equally as colourless (and therefore "normal") as everything else does.
Both the slashing-yourself-to-ribbons and the thinking-of-ridiculous-ways-to-cover-the-wounds parts, are not a very productive way to spend the time truth be told, and do not offer much else than a gothic, bloody scenery. The supposed endorphins-releasing to your brain (a pharmacological activity analogous to the activity of opiates= they relieve your pain) appears to be plain bullshit as well. The whole process is painful while you're at it, afterwards, and while disinfecting the wounds (cause you have to take care of yourself of course). So... why do it?
Like any other self-destrucive behaviour, from banging one's head, pinching oneself and self-burning to eating disorders, alcohol abuse and drug addictions, self-mutilation is a sign that you are fucked up in the head because you never taught yourself how to properly identify and express your real emotions to others perhaps, and MAINLY to yourself. I would call it emotional dyslexia. Instead of staying up all night wondering if there is a "bog", you stay up a) cause you're too much of a pussy to figure out yourself, after a crisis makes doing so urgent, and b) ...cause the damn cuts hurt. It's a coward's way from beginning to end: instead of giving a battle (even -and especially if- you know you're going to lose it), you push the self-destruction button. That's one way of looking at it. An other way is that you spare everyone the drama and self destruct earlier than scheduled by the big cosmic penis.
So kids, today's lesson is that apart from developing an alcohol/drug addiction, self-mutilation is another great means of failing to deal with yourself. Another option is managing to somehow find the balls of metallic substance to fuck up an already fucked up situation, but at least be active and throw back some of the shit that was so generously offered to you.
P.S. My kicking habit is way too kickass -literally- for this emo post. So, I'll analyse it later (never).
Self Ambivalence 1.1 by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Greece License.