Seems like a good day to GO KICK ASS!

07 January 2010

There's a Miss America, a Miss World, a Miss Universe and there's that girl I MISS. And she beat them all...

There IS one kind of alien species inhabiting the planet. This is something you have been taught as a first grader and should never forget. Depending on what's in your pants, either boys (blue, triangle pointing down, star wars) or girls (pink, triangle pointing up, the ones who get to wear the opposite sex's clothes without being called gay) are intergalactic travellers. Of course things get more complicated when what's in your pants starts craving for what's in other people's pants, but the idea is that there is not a more absolute contrast than the one of male vs female. And really: moral judgements like good/bad are outdated. Once upon a time, stealing someone's wife was bad. Now eating sugar is bad. Go figure. The whole light vs darkness concept when taken literally is not much of a big ass dramatic conflict either, cause when something's been scientifically studied for a long long time that basically means it can be controlled by human. So yeah, switch off the lights and -oh my- you have darkness. Boring. The old vs young opposites? Just predictable moments lost in a timeless cycle. No mystery, no charm. But. Every other antithesis has been used to describe Male vs Female.
Once I was asked what love is. I think I gave almost every cliche answer there is mainly because I didn't know the person very well back then -and didn't bother coming up with something remotely original- and also because I had no fucking clue what it is. The same way porn industry makes people have high expectations from their partners, romantic films/songs and all that jazz make people have a Titanic-like image of true love in their minds. It'd be reassuring to say that this is only till they get used and abused and do their part of emotional rape as well, but I think that deep down everyone has a utopian idea of the "real" deal. The same way getting fucked over (but not really letting it get to you) is not even close to as bad as getting mindfucked, falling in love is waaay better than falling in lust. States of mind are always more powerful. Still, the classic definitions like "unconditional affection" don't seem too legit to me. Nothing's unconditional. If you hate someone you demand them to hate you back and be a prick. If you love someone you demand them to love you back. Extreme emotions are all about giving and receiving or else they can't last. Even if you just love yourself, you have high expectations from yourself; expectations that justify your narcissism.
Sexual attraction is the first step. Attachment is when we really start getting at something. There's an unbelievable diversity of the meanings and uses of the word "love"and a huge amount of complications that are based on each individual. Complexes nurtured by social environment/ experiences that we all drag around. So, the attachment phase is the most problematic. Yes, we all are superduper sex machines, but I dare you to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you are not afraid of falling in love. The moment you start caring for something, the probability of the whole situation backfiring becomes a possibility. If you care, you get hurt when something goes wrong. And something going wrong has to do with what's right in your head. What YOU think the other person should be like. What YOU think the relationship should be like. Can anyone be objective about what or whom they like?
When the party's over and the first rays of morninglight hit the scenery, things don't look as shiny or fresh as they did when you were living la vida loca. Yet, even if when cranky and with bloodshot eyes someone's there to help you with the aftermath, the cleaning, that's what it's all about. Love IS the one who stays after the party is over. The one who looks equally as shitty as you, but will grab a mop and bucket to help while bitching for the lack of coffee. Life's a party after all...

Someone told me that love and all that it connotes is NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER AFTER ALL (I believe a "for fuck's sake" was added for emphasis too). Even though that person sounds suspiciously enough like me, my approach to this is actually a bit different. Love may not be Alpha and Omega, but your behaviour in all of this DOES define you as a person. It IS an important enough category to indicate your success as an individual. And quite frankly, it should be the easiest one to succeed in weren't we all brainwashed about what's to like and what's not. That being said, I personally have a ridiculous list of standards. I have always dated good-looking, smart and either funny or amusing people. The point is that each relation's ending was a spectacular kaboom of emotions and shit like that blowing up and semi-handicapping all parties involved.
I think that for a relation to be successful and satisfying for both parties two things are basically necessary: Liking and disliking the other person exactly as much as they like/dislike you and respecting each other. For whatever reason I never like the other person as much as they like me. Or maybe it's just that my way of liking someone is fundamentally different from what's common. I don't call three thousand times. I don't care if the other person doesn't call three thousand times either. I don't need to be with them every day. I don't care about the other person cheating. In my words "if you think it's worth it, then do it". But that's not healthy. It just means I don't respect them enough to take offense or care enough to give a flying fuck about what they do anyway. Never caring for anyone means never depending on anyone only when the way you care is abnormal anyway, still this lifestyle works for me.
I realise all this sounds too dramatic and naive for a 20 year old person, but frankly I don't see any older and more "experienced" people doing any better. Actually, I think that getting fed up and disgusted with all this bullshit and reaching a state of apathy -that's very useful as basic survival skills- at a young age is a plus. People who still don't know what they're looking for and still get disappointed in their 30s, 40s and 50s are pathetic. Sure, it's possible I might fall in love two days from now and be embarrassed about writing this. But what's a fact is that I don't know anyone who either was or is in a relationship and didn't have to be spoonfed incredible amounts of shit. And yes, there is love in many of those cases. But in all of them there is torture. LAWLZ.
My generally speaking not caring about a lot of things has its roots in too many factors. Demystifying too many things too early for example. I used to want to somehow fix a fucked up situation. Now watching it go kaboom amuses me actually. And that's why it's relatively difficult for me to be seriously interested in anyone right now. Love is not fighting against things, like I do and always have been doing. It's fighting for something. And I don't believe enough in it.


P.S. Still, if you look good enough we can play monopoly or something. naked.
P.S. This shit's retarded. Next entry's gonna be about SEX.

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There's a Miss America, a Miss World, a Miss Universe and there's that girl I MISS. And she beat them all... by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Greece License.


  1. You.. you write this?
    It's almost as if a dormant part of my psyche suddenly exploded in a burst of creativity & fine perception. But where I explode with thoughts, you explode with words. Aki, you are a brilliant, highly-perceptive individual and quite the talented writer.
    Words are thoughts, but not all thoughts are words... and your capability for putting such delicate mental-pieces into words continues to impress me. Hell, it makes me envious even.. to a certain extent. (;

    Do you know the song "Paradise Lost" by Symphony-X? -In this masterpiece he sings: "Love is a tragedy
    All that I have, all that I'll ever need
    Is right here inside
    Let the winds of freedom be my guide"

    Only to be countered by a another line, "Love conquers all though heaven's fall..."

    And indeed, such is the nature of love: ambiguous & contradictory. Such is the case of man himself. Ever since our ancestors have opened their wise&curious eyes we've been taking part in the eternal conflict between emotion & intellect.. Love being the epitome of the human story.
    If you didn't quite get my point, I promise to elaborate once we talk. Oh.. too many insights & anecdotes to share on that matter. Like you, I too enjoy sinking my teeth into subjects most people would rather not delve deep into, choosing instead to embrace the superficial 'truth' society pushes in their face. Then they turn into those people who "still don't know what they're looking for and still get disappointed in their 30s, 40s and 50s..". As in the case of the subject of love..

    Mmm.. I so wish we could meet one day and just have a decent conversation. The subject matters little, as we'll be drifting through and through... no more and no less.


  2. One of my -now- closest friends asked me this peculiar thing the first time we ever talked: "Do you draw? Do you play music? Do you write?" I found this to be strange as no one else had ever asked me this before. When I responded and asked why would they ask such a thing, he said "cause you look like the kind of person who has a lot to say and has to get it out of their system". Writing is for me the one moment I can be a real person. There's no point in hiding things or presenting the more politically correct version. It's like being in a dark, quiet room all by myself. To me, it IS a kind of spiritual need. No bullshitting. No thinking what others might think of me. No trying to prove a point. No debating. It's like being a kid and wearing no clothes. You don't feel embarrassed. You don't feel ashamed. You feel free. Vulnerable perhaps, but not afraid of being judged. In everyday life you always have to think of what you say because ultimately you WANT people to react in the way that suits you. And you want people to react in a specific way cause you want something from them. Not my definition of freedom.
    Love..sigh what HASN'T been said about love? Everything is about love. Everything is a love story in the end. Even war is a love story gone wrong(!) lol. Seriously though, love is probably one of the last things in this world that is still powerful enough to motivate people. The problem is that anything that can motivate people can also be misused, misinterpreted and misunderstood. And I -as many others unfortunately- feel that I've somehow missed the point, that I've taken a wrong turn. And what's worse is that I realise this; I know that I have a lot to learn about myself in regards to this matter. The good news is that I have a lifetime ahead of me. But the thing with love is that mistakes do make you wiser, but also leave a very bad taste which makes future experiences lose some of their original romanticism. Well, we'll see. It's impossible to lose if you don't try. But you can't win either.
    I always enjoy the music you share with me (apart from that godawful last fb post lol). Paradise Lost was no exception.
    And something else; I want to thank you because I may BE writing for myself, but at the same time I AM knocking on people's doors. I AM channeling my thoughts through writing in order to communicate with whomever CAN and IS willing to understand. And you -as others who read and respond to what I have to say- giving a damn, means a lot. Who knows... we might meet one day. Who knows... we might meet again after that day too...