It is now 8 days away from the beginning of my journey in the fourth-continent-to-tick in my let's-go-international-WOOT! list and the top secret Ultimate Plan Of How Shit Is Supposed To Go Down will be exclusively revealed here.
♕Ultimate Plan Of How Shit Is Supposed To Go Down
The War Drums Start Beating
1. Throw toothbrush, nailclipper, 50 cremes for all skin types, hair products, the smart-job-interview-approven outfit, the casual-on-the-verge-of-dykeness outfit and the slutty-enough-to-make-someone's-girlfriend-go-home-and-eat-away-her-feelings party outfit in a hugeass hideous suitcase my parents will definitely uncover after some Indiana Jones adventure in the basement section of prewar junk.
2. Exchange three euros for 500 dollars the way exchange rates are right now.
3. Do breathing excercises and clearly enanciate to parents that I haven't forgotten passport, air tickets or the first-aid kit with all the magic stuff for the case of extreme shitting on board.
4. Hopefully have the first two by the time I get to the airport.
5. Avoid eating the in-flight nuclear meals and gag when fat people eat that crap around me.
6. After hypothetically losing the opportunity to miss 3 flights, get molested in some Ellis island type of shit American airport (thoughts of wearing a strap-on affectionally named ~Bonerkiller~ so that the body scan dude will be punished for the much unwanted Superman vision occur at this point), right before meeting the representative of the doughnut-eaters to pick me up in the airport.
~Congratulations, I have now reached America~
The Case Of The Eternally Cold Feet
1. Be slightly miserable upon realising that it's cold as fuck, but do not show any signs of intimidation to the Mcnuggetheads, CAUSE EUROPEANS ARE TOUGH MOFOS! ROAR!
2. Secretly wear three pairs of granny panties and three pairs of socks at all times.
3. Engage in activities based on level of heat produced and not on level of interest.
-> e.g. standing still to take pictures of unique landscapes/ artifacts/ etc. when sight-seeing = bad
poking hibernating bear = good
4. Do not fall asleep when and where local homeless people wouldn't.
Social Anxiety Disorder Of My Little Toe
Over the course of time, I've had the pleasure of getting to know distinctive figures I'm really looking forward to meeting in person ◠‿◠ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLuW-GBaJ8k
On the other hand, I, for unidentified reasons (͡๏̯͡๏) , am expected to socialize with mysterious douchebags around my age, the problem here being that when a foreign subject enters a circle of peers who share a complicated history of intricacies (which in the case of the human species in its youth basically revolves around who has fucked whom, who wants to fuck whom and who is supposed to (not) know the pre mentioned) that has kinda reached a dead end in terms of new wonderful ways to increase the dramatic value of everyday life, the new subject has a 50% chances of getting socially cannibalized.
Of course, the best rated method of dealing with such situations would be "Who Gives A Flying Fuck Anyway".
However, in this case, there seem to be very specific agents of the Crazy American Mothabitch archetype involved, for reasons known only to god Retard.
Weeell, not only do we have a rapist in Linkin park, but it's also a fact that I am not spending Christmas or New Year's Eve with family and friends (criminally insane) and I'm a European (foreigner! xenophobia!) with Japanese origins (the land of the crazy fashions) visiting the U.S. (the land where all the crazy Japanese fashions become mainstream). In other words, I actually have many excuses to be a real dick, should I be left with no other sufficient method of rising to the occasion, of course.
I hope this is written in a simple enough form to be apprehended by the shitheads it concerns, so that they will refrain from using their maximum brain effort to come up with ridiculously unhidden hidden agenda ideas, thus ultimately ending up with a second asshole.
Second assholes will also be ❁ ❀ ✿ kindly distributed ✿ ❀ ❁ among those whose intentions are to introduce me to the lovely company of said shitheads for their own amusement.
I Should Have Brought That First-Aid Kit
Last in this post's Level 2 hazards, are the potential complications caused by local cuisine (needless to say, that using the phrase "local cuisine" when referring to American food is a bit funny, since finding legit American food in any city around the globe can be achieved effortlessly). In any case, the closer I am to the source of the McBuffalo, the better it's gonna be. Besides, I want to try eating Mexican food (which oddly enough I have never tasted) and one of the States I'm visiting is extremely close to Mexico, so my hopes of getting my fork/ spoon/ hands around authentic recipes are high.
In the next episode:
- Further Dissection of the "Plot"
-Character Dynamics & Analysis
-Revealment of the Final Boss
✖Top Secret Mastermind Plan✖ by The Schismarch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Greece License.